Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
