I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
