Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
