i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Randomize
