when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize