I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
