Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
