Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
my being single is dangerous.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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