So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize