I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
