I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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