I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
not ubering you a puppy
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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