So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
