just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
