just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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