I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Damn victory sex feels great
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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