I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize