Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
