I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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