i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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