He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize