i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
