clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
