I feel like abortions should bother me more
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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