I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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