This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
