She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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