I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
