The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
sarcasm needs its own font
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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