btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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