Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
