i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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