My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
