I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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