i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
