she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
