Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Randomize