When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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