Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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