Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
