final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
