Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
