I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
