Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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