Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
