I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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