I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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