My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
