Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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