did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
