I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize