hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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