You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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