Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
