I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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