Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
