You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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