"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
