do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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