when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
