you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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