Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
