too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize