apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
