What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
