i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize