So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
