Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
