I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
