There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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