I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
